Letters To Nobody
by Yummykyman
Summary: AU Oneshot... As Cartman moves from his childhood to his adulthood, he writes a couple of letters to cope with Kyle's death. [Based on a Headcanon. Main Character Death ]


_A/N: This is based on a headcanon I made, and also is an alternate universe in which Kyle is dead. It's told in a sequence of letters. Take notice of the dates to see how much has time has passed between letters. The two episodes referenced in this fic are titled "My Future Self n' Me" and "Grey Dawn."_

 **From Eric Cartman 11/6/03:**

Kyle

Mr. Mackey says that if I have trouble expressing how I feel, I should just write it down. Like a letter that I'll never send or something. … So… … I still don't know how I feel. The last time I ate was 3 days ago. Funny, huh? Guess I'm just living off my fat right now. …This is stupid. You're never gonna read this anyway. And I'm shitty with words. No, that's not true. I'm awesome with words. But.. not like you. I'm only good at lying. I could lie all day. But Kyle, you're good at telling the truth. I never thought I needed that. But… I kinda do right now. Really bad. …

Eric

 **From Eric Cartman 11/20/03:**

Hey Kyle, it's been a little while, huh? It feels like forever. But I guess it wasn't that long. Anyway…I'm eating again. And, you'll be glad to know that I'm taking pretty good care of our little friends. Stan and I have gotten a lot closer. He even smiles now. I guess my jokes are finally working. Haha… you'd be pretty pissed if you knew I was taking your best friend. You'd say, "Get your own fucking friend you fucking fatass!" Right, Jew? But, don't worry. I'm taking care of him. ...And hey, those old people finally started listening. The road bump idea you had really helped. The town filled them out in your honor. And they're gonna name that street after you. That's pretty cool, right?

 **From Eric Cartman 11/21/03:**

Dear Kyle,

I had a dream about you last night. You were walking down that road they named after you. That's pretty trippy, huh? You came back, and you said, "Did they really name a street after me?" And when Stan saw you he smiled so wide, and started laughing. You were laughing too. That same laugh you always did. When me and Kenny asked what was so funny, you looked right at me with the most know-it-all smile, and said, "It was just a trick to get the old people to stop driving so recklessly." And you called me an idiot. You told me that you knew you were gonna win. But I was too happy to care about that stupid bet anymore. I was so happy.

And… I'll admit it. I cried all morning. I'm still crying, Kyle. My eyes hurt.

 **From Eric Cartman 11/03/04:**

Dear Kyle,

It's been a year since you died. We're in 5th grade now… it's weird not seeing you move up with us. I always think one day I'm gonna walk into school and see you sitting in the front row of the class… like nothing ever happened. ...I don't know if, as a ghost, you read these. I'm really probably just writing to no one. But… it'd be really nice if you did read them. I'd write you more. I'll be honest, every time I write these, I feel like someone put rocks in my throat. Plus I waste a lot of paper writing these. A lot.

But anyway… Stan's pretty pissed at me. The other day I brought him to my house and pulled out a ouija board. I told him we were going to talk to you. The asshole punched me in the face. He told me not treat you like a joke… I had to explain to him that I was serious. And all he said to me was that I needed to let this go. ...Maybe I do. ...But I can't.

 **From Eric Cartman 12/07/04:**

Dear Kyle,

I hope you don't mind, but, I spent the first day of Hanukkah with your parents. I really hope you don't mind that, but… they seemed happy to see me. And it made me happy, too. It was pretty cool celebrating it with them. It was weirdly soothing, y'know? For a few moments, it felt like you were really there with me. I could almost hear your voice.

I never really noticed how nice your family is, Kyle. Gerald, Sheila, Ike… they really have it together. They all miss you a lot, Kyle. But they know that you're happy in heaven. Yeah.. you are, aren't you? You were the nicest out of all of us. That's where you deserve to be. … I'm gonna sound really selfish, but… I'm sad that when I die, I'll never meet up with you. You'll never be in hell like I will. I had a moment of weakness around your parents, and I ended up saying that to them. Sheila hugged me and told me that good people go to heaven. And I still have a lot of time to right my wrongs. But I already know that I don't have a choice. I'm a bastard… no matter what, bastards go to hell.

Man, I'm being such a downer. Even though I'm writing stuff like this, I was really happy today. I'm glad I could celebrate with your family.

Happy Hannukah, Kyle. I hate that I didn't tell you that last year. Or, the year before, when you were actually alive… really… I should've been better to you in a lot of ways.

 **From Eric Cartman 01/01/05:**

Dear Kyle,

It doesn't seem like Stan wants to talk to me anymore. He still hangs around Kenny and Butters, but when I'm around he leaves. It used to be when I started catching myself falling into gay speeches that he'd leave. But now, he doesn't even bother to look me in the eye. We had a pretty rocky friendship, I guess. When I started wearing green more, he started acting weird around me. He was a lot angrier. More on edge. I think he thinks I was trying to mess with him or something. He says I act a lot like you now. Every time I said something that reminded him of you he looked like he was in pain. ... I guess he really wanted me to let go.

But… this can't be wrong, can it? I feel like because I miss you so much, I've gotten a lot more responsible. A lot smarter and healthier… and I appreciate my friends more. And really, we should do things in remembrance of you instead of pretend like you never existed. That's how it's supposed to be.

And whenever I come over to your house and talk to your family, it feels like I'm filling a void for them. They seem a lot more comfortable with me, now… I think.. they genuinely like me. Your brother Ike, too... Ike is really smart. I started hanging out with him more, and we're great friends now. It's weird. I never thought I'd seriously respect a little kid this much. But the other day he even made his own walky talky. Walky talkies are lame, but it's cool that he made one from scratch. He's a really cool kid for his age. And he's probably gonna grow up to be rich. Even richer than jews usually get. I'm taking good care of him, too. I make sure nobody picks on him at school. In return he helps me with my homework. It's really working out for us. I hope that's okay with you. I just want Ike to make it. He's the only one Sheila and Gerald have left.

 **From Eric Cartman 7/01/05:**

Dear Kyle,

I finally gathered up the courage to go visit your grave today. … I don't know if you were there or not. But if you were, sorry for the noise. I probably bored you with all my bullshit. ...I don't think I'll be going there again. Going to your grave and knowing your corpse is just a few feet underground…

Well. Let's just say I'd rather write to you.

It makes me feel like you're still here... and when I walk down the street sometimes, I think I see you, but it's just my eyes playing tricks on me. Like my subconscious desperately wants to see your face again. It's always a little comforting to see those glimpses, even if it makes me a little sad that you're not here anymore. It was really hard to come to terms with that…

I have something to confess, Kyle. The summer after you died… I was having a really hard time. When nobody was around I would hallucinate that you would show up and talk to me. And I'd just lock myself in my room and just talk about things. Obviously, I had to go through a lot of therapy to get past that. And that was even harder… because when I hallucinated you, I didn't care if it was in my head. Because I missed you. And I didn't want to stop hearing your voice. So I made it a lot harder than it had to be for the therapist. Just so I could have you a little longer… … It was rough. Rougher than I expected.

I didn't realize that you were so important to me, Kyle…

When Stan ran up to us in tears and was screaming that you were hit by a car, I laughed.

Because you had so many close calls before.

I thought you'd be okay.

And when I think back to every time you almost died, I can't help but hate myself, because I didn't care enough. All those times, I almost lost you even sooner. But thanks to Stan, you made it through. But now, thanks to me getting a big head… saying I was smarter than you… making that bet to see whose plan would stop those crazy old drivers first… … It's my fault you're dead... isn't it…? If I hadn't started acting so smart and bragging so much… you'd probably still be alive.

 **From Eric Cartman 5/26/13:**

Dear Kyle,

I'm really busy nowadays, but today I wanted to sit down and write something to you. This is… really nostalgic for me. Whenever I sat down in my quiet empty room… I'd stare at the blank piece of paper and say your name out loud before I started writing. They always used to tell me that saying your name would bring me closure. But when I wrote that first letter, I remember, I couldn't even say your name. It just hurt way too much.

Having just reread the first letter to you I went through those feelings again. If I'd been a little more mature at the time, I could've cried. But instead I choked on my tears. When I wrote my first letter, I didn't understand how much of an impact your death had on me. Even if those feelings hit me like a train, I couldn't convert them into words.

So allow me to do my past self a favor and write the words that he couldn't.

Kyle Broflovski… my neighbor, my rival, my childhood friend. Living without you is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The day they confirmed your death, I was in such shock and sorrow that I didn't eat for three days. And that's saying a lot for the kinda kid I was. But once you were gone, I finally understood my feelings for you.

Despite every childish hateful word that spewed from my mouth, you were truly one of the most important pieces of my life. One that I constantly took for granted. That is my biggest regret. The one regret that I'm still, even ten years after your death, desperately trying to fix.

I'm sorry. I'm just going everywhere with this.

But I guess what I'm trying to say is, despite everything, you're still a really huge part of my life. You always will be, Kyle.

I know it's been years since I've written to you, but that doesn't mean you've ever left my mind. There hasn't been a day that goes by where I don't think about you, and how great you could've been. Throughout my life I did my best to be as smart, thoughtful and passionate as you would've been if you grew up with us. But I know I could never replace you. Out of the two of us, you're the one that deserves the life I've had. I feel as if I fully understand that now. And even though you didn't get the chance to live the life I lived, I want you to know that I couldn't have done this if I didn't have you driving me.

Sincerely, Eric Cartman

 **From Eric Cartman 11/03/13:**

Dear Kyle,

Everything's finally ready. Ike ran a few tests and confirmed that we have a fully functional time machine. I thought we were screwed when we couldn't find those nerds again, but when I told Ike about my plan all those years ago, he told me he could recreate the mechanism if I just gave him some time. Making a Time Machine from practically nothing… your brother is a fucking genius, Kyle!

Oh man, I'm so pumped… my heart feels like it's gonna burst out of my chest while I'm writing this.

I'm gonna do it, Kyle. Even though Ike doesn't trust my plan, I'm trusting my gut on this one. I'm going to go back to the point in time where I decided to turn my life around. I'm going to change my past self's mind by posing as an actor from Motivation Corp, and convince the old me to not make an effort in school.

Because if there's one thing I know, it's that you _hated_ when I started getting better grades and acting all pompous because of it. That's what drove you to become so overly competitive with me. And for that reason, I believe there's a good chance that if you didn't hate my snobbish attitude so much, you would have gone along with my plan. We would've solved the crazy driver problem as a group. And if that's the case, you would've never been hit on those road bumps.

I can only hope that this will put years back on your life. Who knows… maybe even if you went along with my country kitchen buffet plan you would've still gotten killed along with the rest of us. But this is the only way I know how to try and save your life.

I don't know what happens to anomalies in the timeline once the future they belong to changes. Maybe I'll cease to exist. Maybe I'll just go back to my new timeline. ...But… when I go back and change my past self's mind, I know I won't be the way I am now. I'll become whatever my irresponsible, loud mouthed past self decides to make me. But no matter what happens, Kyle, the important thing is, you'll be alive. You get a future. The future I stole from you all those years ago.

I'm finally ready. I'm ready to go to 2003. I'm ready to see you again.

Love, Cartman

See you soon.


End file.
